Heart Sand

I left the countryside that year, came in the factory which he belonged to with father, have begun new life. I am naughty, lively, innocent. Certainly it is naughty too. So often bring the happiness to adults, cause the berating of father. Later on mother transferred from the other places taking the younger sister too, first I have come into the kindergarten. The children push and shove me, say I am chicken's sorghum, unwilling to speak to me. I at that time had a kind of lonely feeling suddenly, it seems that a carelessness falls down from the high in the clouds of the paradise, all has changed the sample. The superior life in the countryside turns into unreal image in the sunshine like soap bubble beautiful like the princess. And I, begin to be self-imposed.

One day, one girl she find a chain beautiful on me, ask with another girl's unction I borrow having a look, but that come back is but only the corsage on the chain, the chain has disappeared. Ask they want, do not admit. Tell the auntie hurt and wrongedly, it was only a supercilious look that was brought. I hide from and shed tears quietly aside. Having seen that meets the child's parents, I run forward and file a suit, but that girl's father is only Haha to smile, call " baby, go home " Stalk off. I six years old understood suddenly what was unfair.

Having studied in the primary school, the achievement has been very good all the time, but because the little languages of few words do not put down the teacher's favor. In the three grade, sit boy in front of me let reason instigate I and relation of deskmate often, once, twice Can't help quarrelling with him at last. Having become all confused arbitrarily in the class at that time, all classmates were making a fun and having a joke, and the teacher has only trained me, let me stand outside the classroom door. When school is over, the classmates of the other class come and go, I droop the head, fear and is seen back that tell mother by the neighbour's children. I afraid of she very, she like I either, reprimand I loudly often, even she wrong, she can afford to hate too, kick me with the foot, or use the comb " clapper clapper " The ground is struck the head that I touch me. Father advise I no, please and mum's obstinate mouth stealthily before on business always. But she likes dressing up me, combs various hairdoes for me, wear various beautiful clothes. Younger sister is always getting naughty picture pieces of boy, but limitless to spoil mother.

At bigger time a bit, I have already read grade six. I at this time am not that chit of a girl that year, the flower seemed to burst forth suddenly in one night, I have demonstrated gradually that beautiful with Peugeot. The second development in life let me remould oneself thoroughly, seeming to slough off turned into a butterfly, there are suddenly getting many friends. Shake hands to have a joke, study with my little partners heartily, is talking about the boy that likes shily. I have felt I find the happiness of childhood. That year, we were facing the pressure that enter a higher school. And I, is that the achievement is outstanding. But it's a pity the teacher does not like me yet, because my parents are only an ordinary factory worker, and my partners' parents are all an officer more or less, while making mistakes each time, it is always I that is trained. No matter how I follow the beaten track hard, observe discipline, the teacher always says: " but you girl has too many words " . Once, my partner exerts all one's effort behind the name that the pigtail which drags me is calling me lets me turn round, stand the pain really, turn back head mouth open yet, hear teacher first drink suddenly and violently silently: "Stand up! " I am silly on the spot, she has said a lot of unpleasant words, my fuzzy sight of tears, the heart is too early to know where to fly to.

Come into junior middle school as what is desired. Have known the most important boy in the life. That year, we are 13 years old. He always likes bantering me and smiling, then smile happily by oneself, innocent and does not have and evil. In the class, wanted to ask him a question suddenly, sprained excessively, but the expression in one's eyes finding him silly and silly has been hidden from over shily, thought he was very tired of oneself, a bit low-spirited. But he asks mocking what I do. The teacher is still defect choosing me as before, though my achievement is outstanding. I lose control of oneself out of breathly. The deskmate's he tries to persuade me in a low voice having pity on: "Don't cry! " And other people, is numb. The unexpected change seat let I heart some lose. Feel very stuffy one day, wondered suddenly what he was doing. See it to him later unconsciously, but see the flurried expression in one's eyes that dodges, clear in an instant he likes me. And I, come to like him silently. The emotion of that age is always muddleheaded but dim. One is comforted to give only in the intersection of the expression in one's eyes each other.

The following boy always likes telling me how he like a girl, say the sickening words, he regards me as the bosom friend. I am listening to quietly, think he can say " I love her " These three words are actually very inmature. But I am still sentimentally attached to that share of mine in the expression in one's eyes of understanding him. But my heart has already belonged to others. I have felt his gloom, I thought I could share somebody's cares and burdens and solve problem for him in my kind-heartedness, then often chat with him. Know, have heart help let like this " The deskmate's he " It is very heavy to misunderstand, extremely sad. We understand love what it is about, but will because one painstaking expression in one's eyes one smile that not be in the mood for feel dejected for no reason. When the third day, this boy is singing the song that I like for me, is drawing on the tabletop ceaselessly with hands: " I love you " . And I, pretend not to see. Have in my heart only " The deskmate's he " .

Day pass quietly among having interval that heart grow up and laugh heartily in this way. " the deskmate's he " Expression in one's eyes in present always then because it is helpless in every one, and whether know I he have outstanding too, free and easy, so many girls are in unrequited love with him. A kind of feeling wanders up and down on my bottom of heart so long, " he is not belonging to I " . No matter how ground unreasoning passion is he, no matter he how make great efforts, express love of him with way of him too, I am also cold and detached as before, because of that kind of feeling, because of we or student. I begin to change, Qiong Yao's novel has given me greatest support, I become cold and detached and supercilious. I ignore those yearning, unreasoning passion, addiction in boy's eyes and worship, live in one's own world superciliously. Time of middle school passionately devoted and I draw, have perfect full stop in being cold as ice and frost in him. We can not come into the door of the university as what is desired. Subsequently, he has looked for a university to leave away alone quietly. And I, set foot on and reply the journey read. Long miss impedes my attention, make me restless. That kind of feeling is stronger and stronger, " lonely that he is unable to bear " . His news has come, he has a girlfriend, he chased first by the girl. While having a holiday, the telephone of the family sounds frequently, when family connected, the other side was always " pa " Must hang; And when I go to receive, that one of the telephone, is always boundless silence. I know, it is him. Have no speech relatively unexpectedly. I remain silent too, mourn in silence it half on the day, has hung up quietly. I can not afford to bear so heavy sad and dense miss. I can not afford to give the answer which he wants. So, I am reticent.

Having entered the university, I often sit on the seat alone, what effete and sentimental writings in general to see others. And my heart, very ice-cold. I bury, stand up one's own beauty, I'm afraid boy affectionate sight and expression in one's eyes chased that hard already. I make oneself ice-bound to stand up, lie dormant river bed in time. He has already cohabitted with the girlfriend, though will phone as scheduled once coming back, keep silent. And I, keep my pure love as before, unwilling to set foot in the river of the love, afraid of profaning that one purely, it is heart-broken to afraid of not afford to bear that oning.

Day passed by day by day. I stride into the work position, there are more and more people acting as matchmaker, but I do not know how at all to be aroused in interest, I bury it in the books with great concentration, encourage oneself to struggle and strive for and is admitted to a graduate student, it is sad to leave this slice. At night, chew that astringent and astringent miss alone, shed silent tears. Perhaps has he got married? With in the factory, avoid his news sedulously in first house. Celebrated the New Year and ran into him who had let me experienc great things at the gate of factory one year, did not speak each other, only and the classmates nearby are smiling, chatting. My girl friend asks him: "When will you get married? " He smiles overcautiously, say artificially: "Why is not there girlfriend to form? " "There is no girlfriend, there are wives! " The girl friend speaks the fast language quickly. He has no language immediately. Everybody smile, but I see the he that I have not think conscientiously 10 years silently. It is so beautiful and bright, so gentle air. And he, has not belonged to me already. easyjournal

SARS Attacked us suddenly at that time. Missed him strongly suddenly, shouted on the bottom of heart desperately: "Please come back! Come back! " In July, had a summer holiday. I go to look for the good friend to take a walk in hot dusk, a person far comes over. The expression in one's eyes known well like that, penetrate my health passionately devotedly. Having arrived closer, but that person has got rid of the head suddenly. "Will it be him? " I ask oneself on the bottom of heart. Can't help smiling mocking at oneself. In the following a few days, this figure is accompanied like the shadow, but I always warn oneself: "Don't proffer a love or affection which is not reciprocated, you have not already been that girl who everybody was admired that year, that is only one and a very similar man of his. " Who knows, unexpectedly it is really him, classmates told me later. I am amazed by, this one of his must be going to marry to walk. We had no fate originally carey5566.

He has taken back the wife while celebrating the New Year. On the No. at night, see a couple are holding arms very affectionately, see I pass by, the man shook off the woman's hands suddenly, turned over and carried on the body and was facing toward me. Feel strange, does not think more, having reached classmate's home, it is him to realize the truth originally suddenly. Can't help forcing a smile. We know each other at 13 years old, care for each other for 13 years, is over there are no speechesing finally. Perhaps just because of this " 13 " The unlucky,have no chance us lead along by hand annani7788.

I am still the life living me alone, remain calm. Appearance until he. He is my classmate too, and " the deskmate's he " Meet at the same time. At that time, the figure that he always looks at me far away stared flankly, always moved one's own sight very calmly when being found by me, without saying a word. Have chance with, be deskmate later, do question together, probe into together, he we best person of achievement of the classmate. From him, I have learnt a lot of things. Been envying that kind of remaining indifferent whether granted favors or subjected to humiliation, tough and tensile and deep individual character on one's body of his all the time. Disdain that kind of spirit diligently of his, intelligence because I am the talent very much too. At that time, heart have kinds of feeling, this person may I all one's life suitable people most, he can depend on. Very strange feeling has flashed on the bottom of heart, has not taken notice of. Do not like him. Long middle school years, have not taken notice of his birthday hobby. This person is just my model. Have left the school, when go to Guangzhou to work as a temporary labourer, will remember " the deskmate's he " when being the most difficult ,And this person often prints in my brain now, thirst for his help, if extravagant hope has his encouragements I am sure to live a better life. There is no his news yet. Thought he was only a unreal image in the mirage.

Always have miracles to appear in the life constantly. He has appeared. In my years li 29 years old. I think it is Heaven that take pity on I heart such as stagnant water watch over one pure love can send this person me at the moment so many year, show solicitude for my already soul of vicissitudes. Hesitate but keep in touch with him happily. Exchange messages, is sharing happiness, is taking good care of some mind that lose of his. My heart is flying upward. Feel ashamed and regretful. How am I bearing such love and him to begin? Then, I begin to injure him bent oning, wrangle with unreasonably. One hundred tell him not to like him in the thousand, just need a person such as him, live a dull and calm and ordinary life hand in hand. He is like a straw to clutch at, I want to catch him and let my life be sublimated desperately after going through vicissitudes, I thought he could understand me, stretched out his aid hands generously. And he refused after one year after all.

I get back to the original life track again. Do not want to say to anyone around what these boys brought to me is happy, sentimental, melancholy and beautiful. I am afraid of their misunderstanding and coarse, I'm afraid to touch those wounds never fully recovering.

At night, lie in bed remembering these like cigarette past event, shed tears, lick, lick wound of depth the. The beautiful songs you can hear everywhere:

Walk in the moon cloud in white lotus flower

The night wind blows and has a burst of happy song

We sit in the very high grain piling nearby

Listen to mother telling that thing in the past

Those people, those things, like the stars in the remotest places, glimmer in the long river of my life, it is light and far, fuzzy.

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